The next two weeks of my life are going to be hell. I have to say good bye to a lot of people. Saying good bye to some I will avoid until the very last second. All the hugs and laughs seem so final. I decided to take a trip up to West Virginia to say good bye to my Fairmont family until next time, and I have only been gone for 3 days and seems like forever. I can't imagine living where else except with Jannetta, Max, Soph, and Mas. They mean the world to me. Now, don't get me wrong I can't imagine anyone else other than my parents taking care of me other than Tanner. The scarest part is moving over half way across the country and have nothing but my Tanner, a few pictures, and a few thousand memories. When I go back to South Carolina in a couple of days I will finish packing and await the time for Tanner's plane to land. I feel like there is still so much to do, so many things I wanted to do before I left. I know that these things won't be done, I will just have to do them when I come home on vacation.
It is insane when I think about how much my life has changed in the past two years and I can only hope and pray that they next two+ years will be as happy as my past. When I am upset I won't have my favorite man there to tell me to not cry and then sit on my lap and give me the best love ever. I am going to miss him. So much. My heart breaks thinking about me leaving my little brother. I won't have Sophia to there to make me randomly laugh at stupid things. She won't be there to finish the end of the song/lryic. My mom will always be there to give me advise, but... I can't even explain what I am going to miss about my mom. Talking about silly things that don't really matter. Hanging out with her while she folds laundry. Drinking, laughing, and be loud... Getting on dads nerves because he doesn't understand what is so funny. Dad. Kicking him in the ass and then him getting mad that I continiously do so. Play fighting and then complaining that we hurt eachother. Staying up watching football and then Youtubeing for hours. Movie night.
I can't wait to start my life with Tanner. Even time he is away I miss him more and more every day. I'm just scared. I'm scared of the possiblities of life changing too much. I'm scared I'm going to miss everything. My best friend had a beautiful baby girl back in December, the next time I see her after I leave, Baby Girl will be a year old! I'm going to miss everything. But I'm afraid I would miss Tanner 456784534846548764 times more. I know I contradict myselft a lot in this blog, I'm just going to miss my family so much.
I know I will still seem them when we are able to but the last time I left them it broke my heart into a million pieces and now I have to put my dad's Giants hat back on and back my way out of the drive way.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
My Happily Ever After
On December 23rd, 2011 my whole life changed. Cinderella and Prince Charming got married. I honestly wasn't nervous at all. I knew this is what I wanted with all my heart and I wouldn't change anything. As my daddy walked me down the asile my mind was clear, other than the fact that I was thinking what the **** was biological father doing at my wedding?! When Tanner and I met eyes and I noticed "WOW" mutter under his breath I couldn't wait to enterlock hands and say, "I Do!" When he put he put my tiny 4.5 ring on and said, "I Do," I just knew I was in a fairytale. And then I repeated the same thing and he kissed his bride. When the preacher announced for the first time Mr. & Mrs. Tanner Hyman I was still so blissful.
After a million pictures were taken and we arrived to the reception we danced Our First Dance. I was so happy and estatic; I was still in awe that the whole thing had happened. I did really well that day; not one tear was shed.
I did get sappy when my daddy gave a speach at the reception and then we danced our song. It took all I had not to cry. I knew that once the dance was over our whole relationship would change. I'm not really sure why it happens but I know it does. It seems like my relationship with everyone has changed. Like I'm an outsider looking in. I feel like because I'm married I should know exactly what I want to do and what I am doing in life. If you had asked me a year ago today what I wanted to do with my life I could have given you and very well thought out answer, now I have no idea.
Tanner left to go back to San Antonio on Sunday. He will only be gone for month. I was standing at the gate as he walked away to get on the plane and I walked away as well. I didn't know what to do. There were so many people around and I silently panicked. I didn't know if I should stay or leave or cry or scream. But I just quietly walked away and held myself together. When I got into my car I sat there for a minute. Debated on crying and then felt bad because I couldn't cry. I began to drive south and I turned on my radio and my cd player started playing. My wedding cd was in. I was like you have got to be kinding me. But in a sick, wierd way it made me feel better so I kept listening. I feel like I should cry but I can't. I am really sad though. It sucks not waking up with him beside me and it sucks to put my hand on my gear shift and he isn't there to hold my hand. I know its only a month this time and then the real fun starts...
In about a month and a half my whole universe will change once again. I will be moving half way across the country to El Paso, Texas. But I do know that for the rest of my life I will have my best friend by my side. I couldn't ask for a better friend, partner, lover, husband. I started packing yesterday and it was the wierdest thing ever. I haven't had to pack in over two years and packing again feels like I'm letting go of one story and starting another. Which i suppose techincally I am ending one chapter and starting another. But this chapter was the best one in the book so far.
After a million pictures were taken and we arrived to the reception we danced Our First Dance. I was so happy and estatic; I was still in awe that the whole thing had happened. I did really well that day; not one tear was shed.
I did get sappy when my daddy gave a speach at the reception and then we danced our song. It took all I had not to cry. I knew that once the dance was over our whole relationship would change. I'm not really sure why it happens but I know it does. It seems like my relationship with everyone has changed. Like I'm an outsider looking in. I feel like because I'm married I should know exactly what I want to do and what I am doing in life. If you had asked me a year ago today what I wanted to do with my life I could have given you and very well thought out answer, now I have no idea.
Tanner left to go back to San Antonio on Sunday. He will only be gone for month. I was standing at the gate as he walked away to get on the plane and I walked away as well. I didn't know what to do. There were so many people around and I silently panicked. I didn't know if I should stay or leave or cry or scream. But I just quietly walked away and held myself together. When I got into my car I sat there for a minute. Debated on crying and then felt bad because I couldn't cry. I began to drive south and I turned on my radio and my cd player started playing. My wedding cd was in. I was like you have got to be kinding me. But in a sick, wierd way it made me feel better so I kept listening. I feel like I should cry but I can't. I am really sad though. It sucks not waking up with him beside me and it sucks to put my hand on my gear shift and he isn't there to hold my hand. I know its only a month this time and then the real fun starts...
In about a month and a half my whole universe will change once again. I will be moving half way across the country to El Paso, Texas. But I do know that for the rest of my life I will have my best friend by my side. I couldn't ask for a better friend, partner, lover, husband. I started packing yesterday and it was the wierdest thing ever. I haven't had to pack in over two years and packing again feels like I'm letting go of one story and starting another. Which i suppose techincally I am ending one chapter and starting another. But this chapter was the best one in the book so far.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
My Emotional Train Wreck
I'm getting married in less than two weeks. 9 days to be exact. Holy shit, single digits... I am getting married to the man of dreams. He is amazing. He is my soldier, my hero. In two months we're moving over half way across the country. This should be the happiest time of my life. Don't get me wrong I am so blissfully happy that I am marrying Tanner. However, I'm a total train wreck when it comes to the moving part. I moved in the Morrison Family a little over two years ago but I was apart of their family long before then. I feel like I just got here and I'm leaving again. Growing up in foster care I became custom to moving all the time. When I became a resident to 2445 Marett Blvd. I realized I never wanted to move again. I'm scared I'm going to miss everything. Granted I'm about to start a whole new adventure with Tanner and I could'nt be more excited. I'm just scared my name will just become a shadow in the background. I was sitting downstairs with my dad tonight watching music videos like we always do and I hit me that I would be leaving in two months. I think about it often but it's really hard at night. I began to get sappy and Dad told me that I couldn't get sappy on him yet. I still have two months. I'm going to miss everything. I'm going to miss everything from the weather to my baby brothers love. I probablly asked my dad a thousand times tonight if he was going to me! Of course his response, "What kind of question is that!"
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